02.27.18 - 4:32 a.m.
Words, thoughts, feelings, they are all backing up in my head. I need to get them out. It sometimes helps to spill them somewhere, to varying degrees of success. Maybe I can get some sleep tonight after this.
I have no idea how to tell someone I have feelings for them. Actually, nevermind. It's actually pretty easy, it's being unable to brace for rejection that's holding everything up. Why put myself into the path of a speeding bullet, there's no way it's not going to hurt me. This is going on over two years now. The feelings inside me grow and grow and grow. It's all I can do to keep a stretched water balloon from springing a leak and getting how I feel for her all over any email or text I send her.
I hear the rational side of me all the time. "If it's not going to work out, tell her, get it over with, and move on." I don't want to move on. I want her to be the one. I know the reality of the situation doesn't match up with what's been building in my mind over all these months. I am aware of many obstacles that would need to be overcome to even have a shot at the outcome I want.
Again, rational me steps in. "The only obstacle that matters is that she doesn't see you as more than a friend. Not only that, she's hung up on a completely different person as much as you are hung up on her. Get over it. Move on."
It fucking hurts so much.
No one else compares. No one. Anyone that's been eligible, that I might have been interested in the past few years, they don't compare. My heart has come to the point where no one else matters.
Awesome. I'm that guy now. Fuck.
My mind churns. When is the right time to say something? There is no right time. Never in the history of anything that has ever existed has there been a right time for a certain thing to happen. The only right time I can think of is when my mind and my heart can't take the silence anymore. But then it becomes "I have to get this off my chest", I'd spill my feelings like water through a busted dam, and then she would have to politely decline and deal with this sudden onslaught of emotion for her she doesn't even know I have. I did this a couple times before, and it's a guaranteed way to fail.
I want to love, and to be loved, where the love is mutual.
I'm not going to half ass it and give in to someone just because they are all about me and I'm not about them.
I'm also not going to force anyone to fall for me just because I'm all about them and they aren't into me.
The former has happened enough times in my life that maybe I should have just settled by now.
The latter is where I've found myself so many times more than the former, and where I find myself now. I may as well set up camp here.
...
I've spent less than a year of my life in a situation where I loved someone as much as they loved me.
As time moves on, and I fail to recapture that kind love with another person, I wonder if that's all the love this life has alloted for me.
I've heard of people dying because of a broken heart. Just straight up so much sadness and grief and *poof*, they're gone.
My fate is that I'm going to straight up die of absolutely nothing. My heart is just going to give out one day. They'll do an autopsy, and have no idea what could of happened. "Natural causes", they'll write down. Everyone will be in shock. Nah. It wasn't a broken heart that killed me. It was a lonely heart. It was a lonely heart, that was so in love with someone else, that knew deep down that it wasn't going to be possible to have that same kind of love reciprocated, it ended up being too much for it to handle and it gave out.
...
Hahaha.
Over-dramatic much?
All the time.
There we go.
Load all my feelings into the hyperbole train, send that sucker into a brick wall at 56,000 miles per hour, and watch it blow up in front of me.
...
Time to go to sleep.
Time to take a liquid sleep aid, and go to sleep.
I'll be lying in bed for at least three hours.
Did writing this out help at all?
*shrugs*
Nothing short of a miracle is going to help at this point.
...
Hyperboleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
